Parenting is a topic near and dear to Don Elium's heart. With his wife Jeanne, the Walnut Creek therapist has written four books on the topic--"Raising a Son," "Raising a Daughter," "Raising a Family: Living On Planet Parenthood," and "Raising a Teenager"-(all books published by Celestial Arts, a division of Ten Speed Press.)
With Father's Day just around the corner, the Contra Costa Times decided to drop in on Don for a chat about the joys and challenges of being a father. He and Jeanne have a son, and he is also step dad to Jeanne's daughter.
His office is located above the garage off the couple's comfortable home. It's a homey place, filled with favorite antiques including a 50-year-old wooden radio that only plays for 10 minutes at a time. Perched on top of the old radio is a picture from his India travels and wanderings in his early twenty's, where he heard a voice from deep in his heart say, "Go back home, and learn what it is like to be a man."
Part of that mission, he says with a hint of North Carolina accent, is learning what it's like to be a father.
Q: What is Planet Parenthood?
Don Elium: Planet Parenthood is the world you live in when kids come, and it's night and day from where you've been. When you're on Planet Parenthood and someone says, "Why don't you just go out for the evening and go dancing"? you say, "Obviously you don't live in the world I live in. That's a long arduous task, finding a baby sitter, setting the time up." Planet Parenthood was our way of naming the world parents live in.
Q: You've become something of an expert on giving advice to dads and moms about parenting. But what about your own parenting 
experience? How did it feel when you first realized you were a father?
Don Elium: My first response to the birth of my son was "Thank goodness he's alive." My second thought was "Oh my god, he might die." There was this real rush of joy at life, and then the realization that where there is life, there is also the possibility of death, and then the realization that I'm responsible for this being, and that means I had to grow up. Making $4.25 an hour wouldn't cut it anymore; I had to get a real job. My life up until that point was really centered on me.
I've talked to a lot of fathers about this sequence of feelings and they say they felt the same things, too. It's a feeling of panic. It is also one of meaning and joy.
Q: What was your own father like?
Don Elium: My father's heart was in the right place and we had a lot of great times together, but like many parents, he just didn't understand me. We did a lot together, mowing the yard, working in the garden, but we didn't do a lot of talking about my interest. When he had a heart attack 15 years ago, and I thought he had died and then found him in the hospital alive, that's when
we said those last things. And there wasn't anything else to say because we knew we loved each other. Since then, we've taken the opportunity to share more personally with each other. We got a second chance at understanding. (for "word picture snapshots of my father's life, visit Preston Elium Eulogy)
One of the best things fathers can do with their children is share what goes on begin their eyes. What goes on in their brains? What do they think about? And for that parent to be curious about what our son or daughter thinks?
Q: Are there things you try to do differently with your son?
Don Elium: I try to listen to who he is, especially to how he's different from me. My father tried to listen to who I was and tried to make sense of it through who he was. And he couldn't, because my mind just has always been on the therapy track, and that wasn't his world. So what I try to do with my son is to encourage him to follow his own path, especially when it differs from mine.
Q: That's a hard thing for a parent to do sometimes.
Don Elium: It's very hard. The first thing you want to see in your child is a reflection of yourself. The second thing you want to see is them doing the things you never got to do.
The biggest mistake a parent can make is raising your children the way you were raised. The second biggest mistake is raising 
the children the opposite of the way you were raised. Why? Because with either of those methods, you're not really listening to what the kids need, which could be of what you got and some of what you didn't get. If you listen to what kids need, they show you the way.
Q: So what is it that kids need?
Don Elium: The Number One need is to be loved and appreciated for the unique person they are. The Number Two need is to belong. When a family discusses, uses everyone input, and does things together, that fills the need to belong. But it's not just about the kids' needs, it's about asking "What does this family need, including me, right now?" Jeanne and I call this "FamilyMind."
“FamilyMind” is about functioning as a group with the parents as coleaders, instead of a collection of individuals where the children are consumers and parents are the childcare providers. If the child is a consumer, they grow up feeling entitled, like they should get things without working for them. And underneath it, they feel guilty because they know that something's wrong.
Q: What stands in the way of meeting family needs?
Don Elium: The biggest challenge is understanding the difference between work and home. At work, we're goal-oriented and all effort is made to focus all tasks on this single goal. That's the way it ought to be. But if you do that at home, chaos reigns. Why? Because work is where you put your personal needs aside. Home is where you need to meet your personal needs, parents and kids.
How often have you meant to mow the lawn on a weekend and realized you never got to it because things came up--Johnny wanted to talk about school. Suzie needed to be played with. That's the way it is in a family.
If you stay too goal-oriented, everything is going to look good on the outside--a lot being accomplished, but everyone is going to feel lonely on the inside. Kids and parents end up feeling like they're working in a business instead of participating with people who enjoy giving and receiving care and love with each other.
Q: There's such an age range in parents now. Do you see a difference in the people you work with?
Don Elium: I do. Younger fathers are really willing to learn. One of their big agendas is not to re-create the bad things from their own childhood.
The older fathers are often getting a second chance at parenting. A lot of them are remarried and having a second family. But they're in kind of a double bind. They have more of a chance of doing good things as a father if they choose to, but they may also be stuck in their habits.
Q: There are also more stepfathers than ever. What have you learned from your own experience as a stepfather?
Don Elium: One study I found that really helped me showed that it takes three to five years for a child to give a stepparent any authority at all. That means the biological parent needs to do the disciplining. You can't expect them to accept you at first. Give it alot of time. Know that the child for the first several years is really looking to see if you're going to stay around. You can say anything you want to, but they came through one divorce and they know anything can happen.
Many stepfathers try to act like a kid with the stepchild, especially if the child has two good parents. But all that does is frighten child. Instead, you need to be a friendly adult to the child. Finally, when you marry someone who has a child, you'd best see that as a package deal or don't get involved. There is no a la carte here.
Q: Why did you write separate books on raising sons and daughters? Do you really believe there is a significant, gender-based difference between boys and girls?
Don Elium: Absolutely. During the 1960's and '70s, people were thinking that boys and girls had to be raised the same way. We were confusing equality, with is good, with sameness. Boys and girls have specific different needs. Gender difference influences how they live their daily lives.
For example, there was a study that showed the woman with the least sensitive skin is more sensitive than the man with the most sensitive skin. They may seem obvious, but it also explains why when I slap my buddy Bob on the back, we're bonding, but when I slap my wife on the back, she's getting ready to call 911.
As parents, Jeanne and I felt it was crucial that this information about males and females get put in a place that parents could access it. And the reasons was great. We thought "Raising a Son" would get all these nasty letters, especially from feminist mothers who thought we were sexist. Instead, we got letters and phone calls thanking us for bringing the issue of gender to their attention.
Q: If sons and daughters are different, it would follow that mothers and fathers also differ. How?
Don Elium: Fathers tend to not say enough and act too quickly. Mothers tend to act too slowly and say way too much. Did tends to come in and set a consequence and limit and then go off on a hair trigger; moms tends to take way too much abuse.
Another difference is fathers tend to be uncomfortable in the "feeling" domain. They just aren't used to seeing feelings as a guide. Feelings just tell us what is going on. Anger means something is wrong, anxiety means there is something wrong that I need to attend to, sadness means I've lost something. Once men understand how things work, we're fine.
Q: Is there any Father's Day that stands out in your mind?
Don Elium: Last Father's Day, Matthew gave me a booklet of coupons, and each one of them said he would help men with something that I love doing in the yard. It really touched me at the time to see that he was really focused in and chose the exact things I would want help with.
But then I forgot about the coupons. One day, Matthew said, "Dad, you haven't used your coupons." And I said, "That's OK, you don't' have to do this." Matthew said, "No, you're supposed to use them." He was really insistent.
So we spent most of the weekend doing stuff in the yard, weed whacking, digging. It meant a lot to me, because when I was a kid, I was always trying to get away from doing alot of this with my father because we did so much. It was so neat to have Matthew want to be with me and come into my world and do what I like.
Don Elium, MA MFT is a licensed marriage & family therapist in private practice in Walnut Creek, CA (San Francisco Bay Area) He specializes in resolving emotional upset and relationship conflicts with adults, couples, and adolescents.
He is trained in EMDR by Dr. Francine Shapiro and in Be Set Free Fast by Dr.Larry Nims, Ph.D. His blends traditional psychotherapy with the use of one's subconscious mind for rapid relief of upsets, emotional disturbances, and troublesome behavior in brief, short, and long term situations.
He can be reached by phone at 925.256.8282 and by email at Don@DonElium.com He is a national bestselling co-author, with his wife Jeanne, of four books, Raising a Son, Raising a Daughter, Raising a Family, and Raising a Teenager
